Guilt. It manifests in forms you never knew existed until it smacks you right in the face. Believe me, I’ve went more than ten rounds with it in the past year of grieving. Even when a person shouldn’t feel guilty about their actions and thoughts, grief puts it out there for them. 

Being at the beach should be relaxing, right? In some aspects it is. The sun is shining so brightly and is warming me more than I’ve felt in a long while. I smell the salt from the ocean and the sound of the waves almost puts me to sleep. This is a dream spot for so many people. The beach has always made me so happy. I can escape from everyday problems and just focus on the healing vibes. Well, I should say Danielle from before could escape her everyday life problems. The bereaved can’t just escape the immense loss they continuously carry. 

Let me just say, I love my son more than anything. I smile every time I think of him and can so vividly picture him in my mind. He truly is my everything. Even when I feel his absence crushing me, I can pull myself back with my love for him. 

That being said and widely known, the grief and guilt I feel without him is miserable. Yes, I get lost in my Jensen moments, but when I resurface and it all hits again, I feel so exhausted. I can’t relax. It feels like trying to jump the crashing waves over and over again. This vacation I’m on is beautiful, but I see where he is missing every moment. And it’s not as simple as pushing him out of my mind. I carry him wherever I go and will never deny these thoughts or feelings. 

This is just how my life is. I won’t apologize for loving and missing him. 

But this guilt and the thoughts I’ve had sitting on the beach trying to focus on it’s healing aspects make me want to break down. I know you’re thinking, what could possibly be that terrible? I’ll always answer the death of my child, but it’s so much more too. 

If Jensen was alive I wouldn’t be here on the beach. 

If we were here, we’d have so much fun making sand castles. 

I wish I had to wipe of his sandy toes instead of the sand of his footprint on my foot. 

How much sunblock would I need to put on him today?

Flinching every time my twenty minute alarm goes off, knowing another baby is stillborn in the United States. 

Would he be playing with all the other children here today?

All these kids look so happy and their parents are proudly watching them. 

I wish they could see the little boy that’s always in my thoughts. The one that’s playing with their children right now. 

How many more babies would be here? 

Frantically counting how many women are here and thinking of the one in four statistic. 

Can I just got push their kids down so I don’t have to see what he’d be doing. 

You’re a jerk for even thinking you want to push a kid down because of your pain. 

How can you be enjoying your time when Jensen’s been gone for more than one year? 

When will this ever get easier?

Never. 

I can’t lie, grief and child loss is exhausting. A little over a year out, it has not gotten easier. There’s no ‘fixing’ me or these thoughts. This is my reality now and I’m learning how to live my life with it. Living without your child is something I would never wish on anyone. Even with that said, there are people battling internal wars all the time. 

Even at the beach where they ‘should be’ relaxed. 

This mama is going to try her best with not feeling guilty. I’m wishing you all gentle weeks as we approach Mother’s Day. Always remember, you’re never alone.