Last night was one of the hardest parenting nights I’ve had.
Mila starts school very soon and we’ve changed up her bedtime routine. We’ve started not watching movies to sleep, but just listening to soothing sounds after reading all the books. Not having screens on have been a big help to her sleep. It’s also opened up more conversations between the both of us.
Even though she’s only five, she’s taking everything in and has big thoughts. I try to be open, honest, and just listen to her about whatever is on her mind. Last night, was hard though.
It started off with her just talking about Jensen’s picture on the wall. She said it was a little crooked and it needed fixed. Then it turned into her saying she really missed her… and then into sobs. She kept on saying his name and that she missed him and that she didn’t understand why God made people die. She said she wishes she could just go to heaven to be with him since he can’t be here with us. Her face was soaked with tears and there was nothing I could do to stop the pain, because it doesn’t stop.
I felt totally powerless as a parent. I know she needs to feel what she’s feeling, but it’s heartbreaking.
Hearing her say his name over and over throughout the sobs — it makes me tear up now.
In that moment, I told her he’s always around us. We can always remember and honor him. Whenever we’re sad and want to see him we can look at his pictures or go through his books. I tried telling her the things I do and the thoughts I think whenever I feel sad about his death too. And, I told her I was sorry. Sorry that she had to live without her brother and sorry she had this grief, but I was happy she was here and alive and that she is such a bright light. She listened to it all, but still kept repeating herself.
It just fucking hurts.
I ended up snuggling her. There’s literally nothing else we can do. Sometimes we just have to sit with our grief and sadness. I knew in that moment, she just needed her mom to be there through that rough wave of grief.
Eventually, I grabbed Jensen bear for her so she could snuggle up to him and fall asleep.
So as I’m always transparent on here… something strange did happen last night.
I don’t actively look for ‘signs’ like I did early in my grief. Whenever I see orange and blue out and about, I think it’s a little hello. There’s other things that just happen that make me think it’s him saying hello.
Remember that I said Mila has a lullaby that plays all night long? Like it doesn’t shut off until we physically do it in the morning. Well, last night when she said I wish I could just snap my fingers and he’d be here — the lullaby just stopped. Like it completely shut off as soon as she said it. Which is strange since it never is off at night.
Mila was instantly like, “what the heck just happened?” Then she turned the lullaby back on.
We had another cycle of Mila’s questioning and sobbing and looking at pictures. Once again, she said, I just wish I could snap my fingers and he’d be right here. And again, the lullaby goes off.
Maybe it’s just a crazy coincidence, but I told her it was Jensen letting her know he was here. It seemed to have calmed her down and made her smile. She loved the idea that he was playing a little game with her to distract her from the sadness.
We made it through a rough night of sibling grief. I know there will be more nights and moments like this in the future. Together we’ll be able to make it through whatever.
Grey Skies & Rainbow Highs 