He Wasn’t a Bad Deal in Life.

When I was a little girl, I would never have guessed I’d be here.

I wanted to travel the world and had/have a huge list of places I want to explore. As I got older I realized that, you know, took money and you had to have a job to make that money. Before I knew I wanted to travel, I wanted to be a teacher; really even before I knew what that entailed. I loved knowledge and letting others know new information. In high school I wanted to teach during the year and travel during the summer. Then in college, it changed to being a travel writer. I didn’t want any strings attached to anyone and just be free. Being married and having kids was never on the top of my list. I didn’t want to be that person who never left where they grew up. Nope. That wouldn’t be me…

Obviously that’s not what happened.

Instead of moving away and being this single, empowered woman with no worries, I bought a house in my hometown and got pregnant with Jensen. With him, my view of the world changed. I wanted to be the best mom to him and I really did my very best. His death absolutely crushed me. I had never really been an optimist (for no reason really), but after I was a zombie walking around.

I became this person I didn’t recognize in the mirror. The world didn’t seem as big and bright as it did before. Everything I had ever known I distrusted. I had changed, the world had changed, and life had changed.

And honestly, who wouldn’t think that? You don’t go into a pregnancy thinking this baby that I love with every part of me is going to die and you certainly don’t walk out of an experience like that thinking everything is just good still. Excuse my language, but your child dying fucking sucks. I honestly wouldn’t wish it on any person in the entire universe. Not even the worst person. No one is deserving of that.

Losing Jensen is my first ever loss. That grief shakes me to my core and anyone who has been through losing a child only knows that pain. I can also tell you that me and any of those other moms and dads would never have taken away that time with their child. And for me, I don’t think I’d ever want to go back to the way it was before.

I wasn’t ‘dealt shitty hands in life’ by Jensen’s death, a miscarriage, or anything dealing with Mila’s ‘dad’ or that whole mess.

Do I wish I could have Jensen here with me? Absolutely. I wish with every fiber of my body that I could go into his room and just look at him sleeping. I wish I could watch him play with Mila. I wish I could be sending him to preschool this fall. I wish for all the things I’ll never have with him. If I could change anything in my life, it’d be having him right here with Mila and I.

There’s no child that’s a shitty deal. Yeah, Jensen’s death was awful, but he taught me how deeply a person can love. He taught me how I can get through anything by myself and honestly so much more that I’ve written a trillion times. I would relieve those thirty-eight weeks over and over again and still not think the life I created was shitty. My miscarriage, although tragic and still find myself processing it, was not a shitty deal. That baby gave me so much hope and that hope made me know I wanted to eventually have another child. Then there’s Mila. God, there’s no part of her that I regret. Like Jensen, she taught me how to love again and showed me how strong of a person I was. Again, like Jensen, she’s pushed from highs to lows and I will never be able to thank her for what she’s done for me. I have this vibrant little girl all to myself and if anyone thinks that’s shitty..

Maybe I’ve grown through a lot of pain in the last three-ish years, but to say I’ve been ‘dealt shitty hands in life’ is probably the most untrue statement I’ve heard about my life.

I don’t have the life I planned I would have when I was a little girl, but I think my life is better than that (don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait to travel the world with Mila and write Jensen’s name wherever we go). I love where I am right now. Three years ago, other bereaved moms told me I’d never forget Jensen and I’d always grieve for him, but I would get to a place where I could smile, be happy, and not feel guilty (there’s guilty days plagued with grief still though). I remember thinking that they were nuts, but here I am. It’s not entirely Mila induced, it’s all the lessons I’ve learned and knowing the fragility of life. There’s not darkness when I think of Jensen, there’s light and love and knowing he’s rooted so deep in my heart. And yeah, there’s Mila who has this radiant smile and is so full of life. I would do everything all over again to have them both, even with the knowledge I have now.

Because I haven’t been dealt shitty hands in life. I’ve been given support (by amazing family, friends, and the loss community), independence, confidence, security, intelligence, experience, and love that I wouldn’t let anyone take away from me.

To you who thinks this of me… I’m not sorry about the hand you’ve been dealt.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s