May Afterthoughts

My goal of writing everyday of May crashed and burned. I started off strong, but life happened and I got way more busy than I expected to. Instead of being upset with myself, I just rolled with it. I think that shows a lot of grief growth.

In the first year and a half of my grief, I felt like I had to outwardly express how much I missed Jensen. It’s what’s I needed to do and I did just that. I needed to share his name with the world and I’m glad I did. I’ve written his name countless of places and brought Jensen bear with me most of the time I travel. Being surrounded by him and the things that reminded me of him helped me.

When I got pregnant and Mila and now that she’s here, that’s slowed down a lot. I’m constantly doing something and that’s just apart of my motherhood now. It doesn’t lessen my love for Jensen or doesn’t mean I don’t write his name or take a screenshot every time I see it’s 11:11. I swear I have hundreds of 11:11 screenshots. We still look at his picture everyday and say his name. When we went on vacation over Memorial Day, his name was written in the sand. He still walks every step with me and will until my last. I still miss him every second of the day and wish he was here.

And yet, I’m also growing around that grief and am able to make room for healing. Mila has sort of definitely helped me get to this point and even if I didn’t have her, I think I’d have gotten there eventually. Healing isn’t forgetting. I still love sharing about him and when someone mentions him to me, oh my goodness, I’m elated.

Earlier this year I mentioned how I want to sort of redo my page and share more about Mila adventures and the other parts of my life too. Not that anyone wants to know, but I wish I would’ve wrote more as she’s grown. There’s so many experiences that could help others and so many more left that will. I want to be able to do that to show others in different stages of grief that there is a huge range of ‘normal’ or what life looks like after loss.

Speaking of posting different things. I just want to say thank you to everyone who read my last post and all the positive messages I received. There were so many emotions when I wrote it, but I knew they needed out. I’m unsure if I’ll ever write about more of that part of Mila’s life. I can’t tell the future, but for now, I’m just glad I could share what I did.

When it comes to writing, I want to continue writing when I can and even sharing the happiest moments. Mila literally does the funniest things. They’re too cute not to share and express. And I want to keep talking about Jensen and show how he still is making an impact in our world. It’s possible to live with one foot grounded in grief and the other in healing and even happiness.

I hope all of you have a gentle June and start of summer for most. Let this month be what you need it to be and remember, you’re never alone.

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