Reflective, full of thoughts, relaxed.
If you were right in front of me at this moment, you’d see Mila trying to nap on me and how I have to ignore her to get her to sleep. This is part of our everyday take a nap and go to bed routine. I guess this a lot of peoples’ lives. Doing whatever they can to take care of their child. It feels like their ‘normal,’ but what happens when you have a child that dies?
Before we go on, let’s define ‘normal.’
normal – conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.
Having your kid die is anything but normal and it leaves a lasting mark for the rest of your life. I sort of dislike the word ‘normal’ when talking about grief, trauma, and life really. There’s no defining line of what is normal. It means so many different things to people. My everyday life would seem completely weird to onlookers and it’s honestly not the life I ever thought I’d have. Most of the time I don’t feel normal, but I’ve adapted to living again.
Throughout life we face challenges that change our perception on life. I know for the rest of my life Jensen’s life and death will effect how I make decisions or view people and things. It already has now and it merges with other big life changes to morph me into who I am today.
I don’t think I ever want to be ‘normal’ and maybe I never can be. Before Jensen, I don’t think I lived a normal life either. I’m just me. This is just my story. Everyone’s life and routines are completely individual. One life isn’t greater than the others, it just the way of our universe.
If you’re wondering where life has taken me three months out, you’re in the right place. It’s full of love, exploration, and just making everyday the best it can be. A HUGE piece of my life will always be missing, but it doesn’t mean he’s not with us. We honor and remember him with everything we do and live to our fullest because we know so many don’t get that chance. I do what’s best for my family and that might not be the best for everyone. That’s our ‘normal’ and we’re making the most of it.
To see my perspective of ‘normal’ from two years ago, click here, it’s interesting to see how much it’s changed in two years.