Unexpected Gains.

Well everyone, I failed on writing everyday this month and I’m perfectly content with it.

This weekend was pretty busy for me. Saturday I was just busy, then yesterday was Bereaved Mother’s Day. I had Jensen’s candle on, made waffles, and then Mila, Jensen bear, and I got pictures done. It was such a nice day for us. We got Mexican food and watched Game of Thrones, of course, too. It was so important to give myself space. I’m thankful for space and bring in the moment. It helps me and brings me peace. When I saw what today’s prompt was, I knew exactly what I wanted to share.

Optimistic, loved, warm.

I’m going to be SUPER blunt here, when Jensen died, I could’ve died too and not cared. For over a year, nothing really felt good. Some days did, but most were awful. I worked on myself and my mental health to the best of my ability. I joined workshops and write my heart out to help me relearn how to function. That dress didn’t really stop until I got pregnant with Mila. I was in a better place in my life and I had hope she’d be here, not that I really believe it though. When she first arrived there were so many hard days, but I remembered they could be much worse. There could be another urn by Jensen’s with Mila’s ashes. Any time I’d feel extra tired or like I wasn’t handling mothering Mila amazingly, I remembered Jensen and how easily she could not have been here. Unsure how healthy that is… but it was always right there.

What I’m trying to get from this is… I never thought I could be happy again after Jensen died. I’m not saying Mila took my pain away or erased what happened, at all, but she has been my unexpected gain. Her happiness and literally just her presence has been a huge life gain for me. Hanging her carry around Jensen’s picture and her giving him kisses effects me in ways I didn’t know could happen. I know they have a connection that I can’t fathom.

In the beginning of my grief journey, I asked Jensen to send my signs almost daily. Then I asked him to protect Mila for all her life. I feel like he’s close to her, always watching over his little sister. After our pictures were done yesterday, Mila of course played with Jensen bear during the shoot, she’d snuggle then push him down, typical right? But then she started playing in the grass and picking flowers. It was so peaceful and I knew I’d want to revisit that moment so I pulled out my phone’s camera. This picture above was the first one I got.

Maybe it’s me looking to into it, but it’s him protecting her. It’s their relationship all in one picture. The light is circling her, but on top there’s a rainbow and the bottom part of the circle has a blue light. In the live version it goes from completely surrounding her to going away. Then the light beam, I just feel like it’s him guiding her. It was my sign for the day, that he’s here for it all and that he was happy to be apart of our family’s pictures. He’ll be watching her forever and that is a gain in itself. Not that I don’t wish that he could physically be here to protect and love on her.

Mila and Jensen are both the biggest gains in my life. They taught me how to love unconditionally and to be a better person for them. Her and I are both so lucky we have an angel guiding us for the rest of our lives.


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