It’s still hard.

Three years ago, I had the worst day of my life.

It’s easy and hard to put myself back in that exact place. I can remember it like it was yesterday and at the same time I don’t know how I did it. The whole things strange. I can remember my actions and the timeline of events, but not how I felt. My brain trashed that.

All week I’ve been so worried about how I’d be today. Mila has been super needy the last couple days and I didn’t know how everything would wind up. Would I feel overwhelmed or like I should hide away? Or would she pick up on my emotions? Mostly I just didn’t want to let her down for reasons unknown to her. One day I think she’ll know this days significance, but now… well that’s be impossible.

When I woke up this morning, I felt that familiar brick just weighing on my chest. My mind just kept saying three years ago today he died. Three years ago, you’re life flipped upside down. I can’t stop them and they felt like they wouldn’t end. As I was caught up in them, I felt a little nudge from Mila. As per our usual morning routine, she brought me a book… My Mom is Magical. We laid down together and I read her that book and the other five she brought me. She cuddled up on me and I put on her favorite movie, Boss Baby, and just were together.

The day has still been hard. I’m overly tired, have no appetite, and am super emotional. My intense grief takes the same form. Sometimes it feels like I could drown in it.

Before I had Mila, I cringed when other people said their other kids were the ones that helped get them through. Now I get it though. Today she’s reminded me to eat. Not because she was hungry, but she’s literally brought me food. She rubbed my arm during my nap, because that’s what she does when we go to sleep at night. I feel like she knew I needed it. All day she’s been completely in tune with me…

After her morning nap, I sat on the floor with her as she played. Everything sort of hit me from the last three years. I just started crying. He’ll be three tomorrow and I was trying to imagine what it’d be like having him here with us. They’d play together and hate and love on each other. It’d be chaos, but in the loveliest for. I just needed to release the pain from his loss and the longing of having him here and just loving the both of them so much. I’m unsure how long I was sitting there crying, but when I looked up she was standing in front of me. She just looked me straight in the eyes and it felt like she knew everything. Then she touched my cheek and just gave me love (hugs). She sort of just leaned on me for awhile, went and got another book, then sat in my lap to look through her book.

She’s really saved me today and I know Jensen’s close by too.

I know one day I’ll have to explain the significance of today and tomorrow to her. Sometimes I don’t know how it happens or what I’ll exactly say, but it’s inevitable. She loves looking at Jens and I think she knows he’s important in our family already. One day, I hope she becomes understanding and accepting of all people. I hope she’s mindful about different journeys in life. I want her to be proud of hers and know that her big brother is always watching out for her. That’s one gift Jensen has taught me and will get to teach her.

This life is full of ups and downs. It’s simple and complex at the same time. Today I’m sad and mourning my son, just as I’m so thankful I have my daughter here with me. Tomorrow is a new day and it’s our day to celebrate.

Tomorrow he turns three.


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