It’s been nine months since I’ve last posted and none crazy ones at that. In one more month, Jensen will be three and Mila will be one. If you told me three years what would have transpired from then to now, I would not have believed you.
I never would have believed that my baby would have died. There is no way I could have imagined planning his funeral or even going to it. That first year… it was the hardest in my life. Each day new struggles presented themselves, but through it all, I made it. I thought the second year would be way easier, but I learned loss and grief doesn’t really give you a break.
Year two brought different emotions and changed grief. Pregnancy after loss didn’t make things easier either. Jensen and Mila’s due dates were so close. I was afraid she was going to die 99% of the time. Weirdly, being pregnant again made me feel closer to Jensen. Maybe it’s because that’s the only time I got to spend with him. I wrote a lot to Jensen in that span of time, so that probably has a lot to do with it too.
Then this year. We’re headed straight to his third birthday. Three whole years with your child takes a toll. I think a lot of people believe once you have your rainbow that things get easier. For me, it didn’t. I saw all the things firsthand that I missed with him. There were a lot of times I overcompensated with her because I thought I needed to prove that I would’ve been great for the both of them. I tried not to change my life too much when she was first here by writing and keeping up with everything. When I realized I couldn’t, I felt like I had let Jensen down. Mila… wasn’t the easiest baby. There were lots of times I could barely take care of myself. She hated being put down. Mothering her was so challenging, on top of feeling like I was neglecting the way I had learned to mother Jensen. Slowly I learned I could do both, just not in all the ways I thought I had to do before.
I want to get back into writing and creating for my Etsy shop. Miss Mila has been better in playing by herself and napping. It’s cleared space for me to do some serious heart work. I’m unsure with what I need to continue writing about here. Some days I’d love to write about Mila adventures. Most moments are wild here and I feel like we always have fun stories to share. Then I feel like this is my Jensen space, but this is apart of his story too. He’s always with us and talked about. So maybe in the next few weeks, I’ll rework this site and make it inclusive to all aspects. We will soon see.
Now that I’ve taken a paragraph to ramble, I guess what I really want to say is we’re still here. We’re figuring out this life after loss and parenting too. For me, losing Jensen hasn’t gotten easier. There are days where it feels like it just happened and others I’m so busy with everything that it feels lighter. The waves of grief have gotten longer, but they crash hard. No matter if you’re in the raw part of your grief or years out, there are always ups and downs. Through it all, we’re never alone.
Thanks everyone for sticking around and reading this way past due update. I promise it won’t be another nine months.