In the beginning…

Every April since Jensen was born, I recognize it as the hardest month to get through. There’s a mix of sadness and joy. April welcomed my motherhood, twice! But when it’s over and May begins, I can finally take a deep breath.

May let’s me celebrate my motherhood. It lets me recognize that there’s no right and wrong way to parent, especially Jensen who isn’t here and how to parent Mila after losing him. I’ve always thought of the saying, April showers bring May flowers, since Jensen’s birth. That’s how my life feels now. All the tears and hardships April brings, let’s May be a little more beautiful and light. May also brings May We All Heal (MWAH) to help get through some difficult parts. Mother’s Day can be triggering and most of the time is. There’s also Bereaved Mother’s Day and it can all seem overwhelming. With MWAH, I like to blog, take pictures, or create every day. Last year didn’t go so well, so I’m going to push myself and make time for my grief and this part of my motherhood.

Today’s prompt is In the Beginning. I might not follow every prompt from the MWAH prompts. Another site I might be using if need be is here. There I read before journaling or writing you should write three emotions you’re feeling before you begin. After those three words, I’ll write. Thanks for joining me this May.

Calm, loved, valid.

There are many beginnings in life.

Each day, school, a new job, relationships, learning to do something new, music, books, and the list could go on and on.

Then there’s the actual beginning where you’re born, pretty obvious, huh? We could also argue the moment you’re conceived is the beginning. Thinking that way, we can say everyone alive and dead had their start. Two people came together to make a person. This life is so unique at the very beginning. But, I think most people would say the beginning of their life is the day they were born.

Before I was pregnant with Jensen, I thought the same thing. Then I heard his heartbeat and saw him on the ultrasound screen. He was there and had an entire way of living inside of me. I found out what music he liked and when he was most active. He was read so many stories and we did a lot of walking. That was the beginning of my motherhood and I didn’t quite realize it until it was too late. I was conditioned to thinking his life would start when he was born. Never did I think he would die beforehand. It felt like he died before he lived and it still feels like that. But he was stillborn and was a handsome, little man. Through his birth, something else was born too.

His death and birth began a completely different life for me. It was a beginning to motherhood I didn’t want. I was different. The one thing I thought would never happen, happened.

That beginning feels like so long ago. I’ve morphed into this new person who sees beginning and ends in a new light.

I don’t think I really began a new part to my life until I got pregnant with Mila and it directly goes hand in hand with Jensen’s beginnings. Her birth brought something new to me, but he was always in mind. Their journeys are their own, but forever connected too.

There are many beginnings in life, but my favorite has been motherhood.

Yes, death stole the traditional sense of me mothering Jensen, but that’s where it began. It’s brought me to where I am today with both Jensen in my heart and Mila in my arms.


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