This week marks the one I should have had another baby in my arms. Thirty weeks ago, I had a miscarriage at ten weeks along. I never thought I would lose another child after Jensen died because I didn’t think the world could possibly bring me more sadness. Knowing I was pregnant again, brought me so much joy and hope for the future. When I began spotting, that feeling of dread completely took over my body.

I can’t do this again. 

When I got home from the ER after they told me he was gone, I was so hurt and angry. I couldn’t process the emotions I was having well, so it just all turned to this ball of confusion and hate towards the world. While I was waiting to have my D&C, I can remember feeling all the hope I had built in those few short weeks escape. I never want to be back in that place again. Because of that, I have completely shut off that time in my head. It’s why I haven’t really reflected on my miscarriage as much I should.

The flashbacks I have from the actual surgery haunt me too. There will be times I’ll lay down, have my arms extended out while I lay down, and can remember being strapped down under those lights. He was still in me and even though I knew he was gone, I still felt full. I remember wanting to rip out of the restraints and just run away. As I laid there, I felt like I was abducted by aliens as the doctors and nurses walked around and prepped. I felt so out of control. The reality is I was and there isn’t anything I could do about that.

In the time since I woke up in recovery, dealt with nasty nurses at the doctor’s office, to now, I’ve felt and been through so much that I haven’t felt comfortable in sharing. I know I’ve touched upon this in other posts, but I feel so guilty about it.

It has been so important for me to share my loss journey with Jensen and I encourage others to share their stories as well. Yet, when it comes to my miscarriage, I cannot bring myself to talk about how I’m feeling. It has deeply affected me and caused me to question where my life would be if I didn’t have that experience. I also wonder how it’s changed me again as a person.

Honestly, I don’t know where I’m going with this post. I just knew I needed to get these words out of my head. Grief is messy. It’s complicated and sometimes unexplainable. This grief for me is silent and I know it shouldn’t be because so many others have experienced this as well. In the next few days, I hope my complicated feelings will begin to make sense to others. All I can say is I’m doing my best each and everyday to heal and remember.

Before I go, the one thing I learned from my miscarriage is that all of our stories are important and matter. Miscarriages are very serious. They’re not something to be brushed under the rug and forgotten about. Mothers and fathers who go through this experience do have an immense amount of grief and their babies count. On the other hand, I understand feeling isolated and not being comfortable to speak up. This is your experience. No matter how you choose to express yourself, you’re doing what’s best for you.

I am forever thankful for my little space on the internet and all of the support I have continuously received for almost two years now.