Christmas has snuck up on me this year. All the days a jumbling together and I feel like the world is spinning way to fast. Jensen’s stocking is hung and all his ornaments are adorned on the tree. I have a new book to read on Christmas Eve, which I scribbled, ‘Christmas 2017 – Jensen’s Second Christmas in heaven.‘ The lights are twinkling throughout my house and his candle shines bright in front of me. Yet, even though I’ve tried to make this time of year a little more gentle on my heart, I can’t help but focusing on how he’s not here.
I would love to have him sit on Santa’s lap and immediately framed the picture when we got home.
I would love to see him get excited for ‘Ho Ho’ to come and put presents under the tree.
I would love to see him around his whole family tomorrow evening, playing and smiling like he should be.
I would love to just hold him and tell him how much I love him every second of the day.
Grief during the holiday season is not talked about a lot outside of the bereaved. It is so hard to be surrounded by joy when you feel like your insides are breaking down and dying. This time of year will never be the same again. The memories of his time in my belly and opening up his first Christmas book on Christmas morning will always be bittersweet. I just wish it was different for me and so many others.
One of the things that’s gotten me through the last month has been the amazing community that continues to support us loss parents. We all feel so broken, but so many of us are there to help each other power through.
It was my intention to share an ornament the last few days, but obviously I didn’t get to that. I wanted to share the ones I received this year today. They each have touched my heart differently, but have filled my heart. I also want to say, thanks to everyone who has sent Jensen a card. The cards I sent out will probably be late, like I said, it’s been a rough time. But, you are all in my hearts every day. I know there are so many others feeling the way I am, just wanting to make it to the next day.
Without further ado, here are this year’s ornaments to honor the little boy who has my heart:
My favorite mistletoes, handmade by me.
From Xander’s mom, Hayley. From Scared Sidless ornament exchange.
Made by Kathleen. From the Remembering Together Ornament Swap.
Made by Jasper’s mom, Amber.
From Evelyn’s mom, Erica.
From Daniel’s mom, Joan.
Not on my tree, but in my heart:
From Dorothy’s mom, Rachel.
Everlee’s mom, Sarah, honoring Jensen and Huxley.